An article I wrote for a parenting magazine:
As I entered the parenting arena nearly 15 years ago, I
began to hear all sorts of talk about colicky babies, the terrible twos, and
the f-ing fours (sorry, that’s what my friends called it). But I noticed that people started to
clam up a bit as their kids hit the earliest stages of puberty. When I’d
complain about something my toddler was doing, like wetting the bed or throwing
food at the dinner table, people with older kids would respond with a little
chuckle, “Oh yeah, just you wait.”
And that’s about all they would say. But they would be grinning…in an
almost evil kind of way.
Adolescence sneaks up on us and we are almost blindsided by
it. It is a force that takes hold
of our angelic kids and throws them into an internal turmoil, and one that
lasts for years. Adolescents are sweet and kind, they LOVE you; you are the
BEST! And then, with a flip of a switch, they HATE you! They are NEVER going to talk to you
again, they wish they had different parents, they tell you that you are doing
everything wrong, you have no idea how to parent, you do not understand them
and that if only you would listen to them, then things would go smoothly. And for a split second you think that
maybe they are right. You question
yourself as a parent and as a person, “What have I done?!” You wonder if you are indeed qualified
for this job. You know you are
supposed to remain strong but you feel very, very weak--almost overpowered--but
you can’t let them see that. You
cannot show any signs of vulnerability or wavering because you know what they
do with that! They pounce! And your son is on you once again,
explaining with incredible articulation that if he doesn’t get to go to the
concert that ALL his friends are going to without an adult chaperone, his life
will surely fall apart. He will
miss the most important event of his life and will never be invited to another
social gathering throughout junior and senior high. His friends will tease him
that his parents are over-protective and they will never want to come over to
his house to hang out so he just might as well just quit school because he is
not going to have any friends! And P.S., IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!
It is a very strange time, adolescence. It is a time filled with internal
contradictions: A time of independence and neediness; growth and insecurity;
confidence and fear; socialization and loneliness. It seems as though you almost have to be a mental health
professional to understand how to guide your kids through this time. But do you? Are there some basic presiding principles for parents
that can help us to not only survive our kids’ adolescence but to actually do
some good during it? I am not a
professional. I have four kids
from the ages of 14 down to 4, and most of the time, I am learning as I go
(don’t tell my kids). But I will
share some things that I have learned over the years, and then will hand you
over to a real professional who will share her insights and tips on raising
adolescents by having a better understanding of them and what they are going
through.
1) Don’t be afraid to say no. Setting limits and sticking to
them is crucial to getting your kids to understand and respect boundaries.
2) Know your kids’ friends. Know their cell phone numbers.
Look at their Facebook pages (as well as your own kid’s, of course!) Attempt to
know the parents of your kids’ friends. And communicate with them. It takes a
village to keep adolescents on the straight and narrow.
3) Communicate with your adolescent’s advisor or teacher/s.
Find out how she is doing is school (not just academically).
4) Take every opportunity to talk with your child. Ask
questions. Listen. Remember. Check in. And keep doing this. And when they don’t
want to talk, come back later and try again, and again, and again. Do NOT give
up on keeping the lines of communications open.
5) Remember to be the parent, not the buddy. They have
buddies. They need parents to lead, guide, and advise them (even though they
would never admit that). Not that
you shouldn’t have fun with them—au contraire, have a blast! But first and
foremost, be a parent, not a playmate.
6) Stay cool when they “freak out.” They need the comfort of
seeing you stay calm when they are feeling out of control. A parent and adolescent both “freaking
out” simultaneously… NOT a good thing (trust me, I’ve been there).
7) Show them love as much as possible. Even when they are
“hating” you, they still need you to love them. And sometimes love comes in the
form of tough love: “You can go to the concert with your friends under one
condition; I will be sitting in the row behind you.”
So, there’s my stab at pretending like I know something
about parenting adolescents. Who
knows, maybe by the time my 4-year-old gets to be 14, I will look back on this
advice and have a good laugh. But with a 14-year-old girl and a 12-year-old
boy, I am certainly in the throws of trying to figure things out in the
adolescent arena (and yes, still dealing with the fun 4s as well…and then
there’s my 7-year-old who will soon start to sneak toward the big A just as the
older ones, oh please, are through it!). Thank goodness for professionals,
right?! So, here is Katy
McCormick Pearson who has worked with adolescents for the past 20 years as a
special education teacher, Outward Bound Instructor, and currently as the
middle school counselor at the Breck School in Golden Valley. Katy is also the
mother of two emerging female adolescents:
Adolescence can be an exciting, turbulent, time for both
parents and the adolescents themselves.
An adolescent person experiences changes in physical development at the
rate of speed unparalleled since infancy.
An adolescent’s brain is not fully developed until a person is about
20-25 years old. The connections between neurons affecting the emotional and
physical development are incomplete at this stage. Many adolescents have difficulty controlling emotions,
impulses and judgment due to this incomplete yet ongoing brain
development.
The upside of the adolescent brain is that teens are able to
engage in more logical thinking.
They can handle more options and possibilities in this stage of
development and, therefore, can begin to grapple with abstract concepts such as
faith, trust and beliefs. Many
teens become activists during this stage in life and appreciate being taken
seriously. They can be quick to
see discrepancies with adult’s words and actions. There is a strong sense of a need for justice at these
ages. Adults can help by including
adolescents in developing rules and consequences for themselves. It is important to provide
structure for adolescents especially since their judgment/impulse control is
not quite effective and many have a false sense of being invincible when in the
throws of adolescence.
The main task of an adolescent is to establish their
identity. They are in a phase of
life between childhood and adulthood.
They are starting to develop autonomy within relationships, establishing
their sexual identity and learning how to further interact with intimacy in all
of their relationships. An
adolescent’s body is often awkward as different parts align together. Many adolescents are self-conscious and
a bit “me-centered.”
Parents can help by encouraging healthy eating habits,
exercise, and allowing time for those growing bodies to have a good night’s
rest. Don’t criticize or compare
your adolescent to others. Patience and understanding is key when living and
loving an adolescent. Parents will
need to be “the bigger person” and not take many interactions with their
son/daughter too personally.
Remember that adolescence is a stage. Enjoy the journey together. Adolescence is a rite of passage and you are the guide.
