The Toddler Years Revisited – Only Now She Has Her Driver’s License

“Letting go doesn't mean we don't care.  Letting go doesn't mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means taking care of ourselves.  And we do this in gentleness, kindness,
and love, as much as possible.” Melody Beattie, author and journalist

Loosening the reigns, tightening the reigns; letting go and trying to exert control=the constant struggle with having a teen. You want to have some kind of control over their choices--where they are going, who they are with, and what they are doing.  So many moms I have spoken with about raising a teen seem to have the same kind of post-traumatic stress/fear as I do.  We all concur, “My parents had no clue what I was doing at 16, 17, 18, and even when they tried to figure it out, there were no cell phones, no internet. It was whole lot more difficult to find our exact whereabouts than it is now. And quite frankly, I am not quite sure that they even wanted to know what we were up to.” But it is a whole different ball game today. Parents are expected to know where their kids are at all times, and the thing about teens is that they are moving targets. They start out at a high school hockey game, then they go to Noodles to eat, then they head to Bobby’s house to hang out, but then Judy calls and wants them to come over, so they caravan over there. By the time curfew calls (and hopefully they are honoring that), they could have changed locations five times. Do parents need to know about every location change? Do you need to call Bobby’s mom and then Judy’s mom to make sure the parents are home and that they are expecting a group of teens?

When my 16-year-old got her license. I expected her to text me with every location change, and I was a “caller,” as in I tended to call parents to make sure that they were home and expecting guests. My daughter was absolutely appalled and mortified that I was one of “those moms,” but I was okay with that label.  Now, as she is in her second year of driving, I have loosened the reigns a bit. There have been times when I loosened them too much and needed to pull them tight again. And there have been times when my husband and I realized that she needed more space and that it was important for us to give it to her. But the bottom line is that you don’t really know for sure what that balance is. And furthermore, just when you think you are in a good groove with your teen, you have to keep in mind that even the most brilliant of teenagers, make dumb choices. Their brains are simply not capable of making logical connections between actions and consequences.

In a November 28, 2010, article in the Star Tribune’s Parade section entitled “What’s Really Going on Inside Your Teen’s Head,” the author, Judith Newman reveals “When my friend’s son—a straight-A student and all-around sweetheart—recently ended up in the hospital getting his stomach pumped because he went out drinking with friends for the first time and had now clue how much was too much, that is when I realized: There is just no predicting. Even for the most responsible kids, there is always that combustible combination of youth, opportunity and one bad night.” Newman goes on to explain, “Truth is, the teenage brain is like a Ferrari: It’s sleek, shiny, sexy, fast, and it corners really well. But it also has really crappy brakes.”

I have realized a lot about myself as a person and as a mother as I am now parenting two teens (as well as two school-aged kids). I have a very hard time letting go. I let my oldest go to summer camp when she was 8 and didn’t know a soul there; I let her travel to many out of town destinations with my parents, she has traveled unaccompanied to visit friends in other cities, and has traveled with a teen group to another country. But putting her behind the wheel of a car, where she is in a position to kill herself or others and sending her off into the world as a responsible, adult-like being was excruciating for me.  It was like in the movie Father of the Bride when Steve Martin is looking at his daughter across the table and he sees her as this little girl in pigtails who can barely see over the table and she says in a squeaky voice, “I’m getting married.” That’s how I saw my daughter behind the wheel of the car. How can she drive a car when she can’t even see over the steering wheel?! But I didn't necessary think I would be that way!

When she was 15 and got her driver’s permit, I thought I would be excited for her and excited to take her out driving. I would be the calm and cool mom sitting shotgun as her daughter drives around town. I would be giving her friendly reminders about signaling her turns and how to speed up and merge onto the freeway. But that was not even close to my reality! I could not even get out of the parking lot with her driving! All was fine when we practiced in the empty parking lot at a shopping mall during off hours on a Sunday. But when it was time for her to get out on the road…..NOOOOO!  Stop!!!  I couldn’t do it. Why? Because I was terrified. I was terrified that she was going to make a major driving mistake and that she would kill us both. And that couldn’t happen because I have three other children who need me! When I drive her around, I am in control. But having her drive me around was not going to work. I could not give her that control. No way, no how. Of course I wanted her to drive. It would eventually make my life easier. But that fear of letting go was a HUGE roadblock for me.

Maybe I saw myself in her and that scared me even more. Let’s see, I had three accidents when I was 16. Only one involved another car that I unintentionally cut off and forced the driver to hit me. The woman got out of the car with a very bloody lip and I almost passed out. But as my mother has often told me, “Your daughter is not you, and you have to separate. Her mistakes won't be your mistakes.”  Well, I let go enough to turn the driving coach job over to my husband. She learned how to drive.  She got her license. She is a fine driver. I say a prayer every morning when she gets into the car with my three other children and drives them to school. “Precious cargo!!” I yell out the door as she pulls out of the driveway. It is scary to let go. Really scary-but necessary.

The Lessons in Listening to Our Children

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."

Author: Angela Schwindt

Try writing down some lessons your children have taught you. It all starts with listening to our children, not the uh huh, yeah, sure kind of listening but the really listening kind. Do you ever feel like you are already formulating the lecture in your head as you are listening to your child talk about a problem or a concern? Any chance you could let those thoughts go and open up space to fully take in what your child is saying? Take a moment and ask your child how she feels about the situation. What does he think would be a good solution to the problem at hand? And then and only then, ask if she wants your advice. But hopefully he won't need it because he has figured out the problem on his own. And the more she does this, the more adept she will be at problem solving. Because you listened, you respected him, and you allowed her to feel empowered by her own ability to think critically, you were given the gift of learning how your child makes sense of people and the world around him. 

"When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true 

selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be." (Author Anna Quindlan)

Calling All Moms! Can Any of You Relate?

Mothers today are riddled with worry and anxiety. I see them in the grocery store, at the mall, in the halls of my kids’ school. I see them on TV, I hear them through my cell phone. I see one when I look in the mirror. Every day, the questions swirl about starting from day one: Am I feeding him the right formula? Am I horrible for not breastfeeding?  My baby has colic, what am I doing wrong? Why is he not potty-trained yet? Did I cause his ADD?  Should I medicate him? How is sending the kids to daycare going to effect them long-term? Am I sending my kid to the right school? Should I hold him back if he has a summer birthday? Is she playing the right sports? Should he be getting tutored for school? Am I feeding them the right foods? Is she wearing the right clothes? Am I spoiling him? Am I too tough on her? Is he hanging out with the right people? Why is she acting so disrespectful? Why do my kids fight so much? Why do I yell so much?  Why do despise my teenager sometimes? Should I complain that I was in the car for four hours today driving kids to soccer, baseball, tennis and religious school? Why am I crabby and tired all the time? I hate that I am 15 pounds overweight but can’t find the time to exercise. Is it really terrible that I haven’t had sex with my husband for months, let alone a conversation lasting for more than 10 minutes squeezed between meeting the kids’ demands? Do I even like my husband? My marriage is deteriorating but divorce is "bad" for the kids. My in-laws are driving me insane.  How are we going to afford to send our kids to college?  I should be working because we could use the income but I feel guilty having my kids in day care. I should be staying home but we can’t afford for me not to work. I miss my girlfriends. Is there really such a thing as getting your groove back after becoming a mom? I hardly remember what my groove is. I am taking care of my kids and my aging parents--0 time for me. I am raising a teenager and going through menopause (or mental-pause as I like to call it). Yikes!  And the list goes on…How can we manage to maintain our sanity given all these pressures? More to come on this in future blogs! 

Adolescence: “What the heck?!” (Do your kids say that all the time? Mine do.)

An article I wrote for a parenting magazine:

As I entered the parenting arena nearly 15 years ago, I began to hear all sorts of talk about colicky babies, the terrible twos, and the f-ing fours (sorry, that’s what my friends called it).  But I noticed that people started to clam up a bit as their kids hit the earliest stages of puberty. When I’d complain about something my toddler was doing, like wetting the bed or throwing food at the dinner table, people with older kids would respond with a little chuckle, “Oh yeah, just you wait.”  And that’s about all they would say. But they would be grinning…in an almost evil kind of way.

Adolescence sneaks up on us and we are almost blindsided by it.  It is a force that takes hold of our angelic kids and throws them into an internal turmoil, and one that lasts for years. Adolescents are sweet and kind, they LOVE you; you are the BEST! And then, with a flip of a switch, they HATE you!  They are NEVER going to talk to you again, they wish they had different parents, they tell you that you are doing everything wrong, you have no idea how to parent, you do not understand them and that if only you would listen to them, then things would go smoothly.  And for a split second you think that maybe they are right.  You question yourself as a parent and as a person, “What have I done?!”  You wonder if you are indeed qualified for this job.  You know you are supposed to remain strong but you feel very, very weak--almost overpowered--but you can’t let them see that.  You cannot show any signs of vulnerability or wavering because you know what they do with that!  They pounce!  And your son is on you once again, explaining with incredible articulation that if he doesn’t get to go to the concert that ALL his friends are going to without an adult chaperone, his life will surely fall apart.  He will miss the most important event of his life and will never be invited to another social gathering throughout junior and senior high. His friends will tease him that his parents are over-protective and they will never want to come over to his house to hang out so he just might as well just quit school because he is not going to have any friends! And P.S., IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

It is a very strange time, adolescence.  It is a time filled with internal contradictions: A time of independence and neediness; growth and insecurity; confidence and fear; socialization and loneliness.  It seems as though you almost have to be a mental health professional to understand how to guide your kids through this time.  But do you?   Are there some basic presiding principles for parents that can help us to not only survive our kids’ adolescence but to actually do some good during it?  I am not a professional.  I have four kids from the ages of 14 down to 4, and most of the time, I am learning as I go (don’t tell my kids).  But I will share some things that I have learned over the years, and then will hand you over to a real professional who will share her insights and tips on raising adolescents by having a better understanding of them and what they are going through.

1) Don’t be afraid to say no. Setting limits and sticking to them is crucial to getting your kids to understand and respect boundaries.

2) Know your kids’ friends. Know their cell phone numbers. Look at their Facebook pages (as well as your own kid’s, of course!) Attempt to know the parents of your kids’ friends. And communicate with them. It takes a village to keep adolescents on the straight and narrow.

3) Communicate with your adolescent’s advisor or teacher/s. Find out how she is doing is school (not just academically).

4) Take every opportunity to talk with your child. Ask questions. Listen. Remember. Check in. And keep doing this. And when they don’t want to talk, come back later and try again, and again, and again. Do NOT give up on keeping the lines of communications open.

5) Remember to be the parent, not the buddy. They have buddies. They need parents to lead, guide, and advise them (even though they would never admit that).  Not that you shouldn’t have fun with them—au contraire, have a blast! But first and foremost, be a parent, not a playmate.

6) Stay cool when they “freak out.” They need the comfort of seeing you stay calm when they are feeling out of control.  A parent and adolescent both “freaking out” simultaneously… NOT a good thing (trust me, I’ve been there).

7) Show them love as much as possible. Even when they are “hating” you, they still need you to love them. And sometimes love comes in the form of tough love: “You can go to the concert with your friends under one condition; I will be sitting in the row behind you.”

So, there’s my stab at pretending like I know something about parenting adolescents.  Who knows, maybe by the time my 4-year-old gets to be 14, I will look back on this advice and have a good laugh. But with a 14-year-old girl and a 12-year-old boy, I am certainly in the throws of trying to figure things out in the adolescent arena (and yes, still dealing with the fun 4s as well…and then there’s my 7-year-old who will soon start to sneak toward the big A just as the older ones, oh please, are through it!). Thank goodness for professionals, right?! So, here is Katy McCormick Pearson who has worked with adolescents for the past 20 years as a special education teacher, Outward Bound Instructor, and currently as the middle school counselor at the Breck School in Golden Valley. Katy is also the mother of two emerging female adolescents:

Adolescence can be an exciting, turbulent, time for both parents and the adolescents themselves.  An adolescent person experiences changes in physical development at the rate of speed unparalleled since infancy.  An adolescent’s brain is not fully developed until a person is about 20-25 years old. The connections between neurons affecting the emotional and physical development are incomplete at this stage.  Many adolescents have difficulty controlling emotions, impulses and judgment due to this incomplete yet ongoing brain development. 

The upside of the adolescent brain is that teens are able to engage in more logical thinking.  They can handle more options and possibilities in this stage of development and, therefore, can begin to grapple with abstract concepts such as faith, trust and beliefs.  Many teens become activists during this stage in life and appreciate being taken seriously.  They can be quick to see discrepancies with adult’s words and actions.  There is a strong sense of a need for justice at these ages.  Adults can help by including adolescents in developing rules and consequences for themselves.   It is important to provide structure for adolescents especially since their judgment/impulse control is not quite effective and many have a false sense of being invincible when in the throws of adolescence. 

The main task of an adolescent is to establish their identity.  They are in a phase of life between childhood and adulthood.  They are starting to develop autonomy within relationships, establishing their sexual identity and learning how to further interact with intimacy in all of their relationships.  An adolescent’s body is often awkward as different parts align together.  Many adolescents are self-conscious and a bit “me-centered.”

Parents can help by encouraging healthy eating habits, exercise, and allowing time for those growing bodies to have a good night’s rest.  Don’t criticize or compare your adolescent to others. Patience and understanding is key when living and loving an adolescent.  Parents will need to be “the bigger person” and not take many interactions with their son/daughter too personally.    Remember that adolescence is a stage.  Enjoy the journey together.  Adolescence is a rite of passage and you are the guide.

Not Just Any Teenage Romance

Of course you want to be happy for your teenage daughter when you see the sparkle in her eye. The sparkle that shows that she has felt the stirrings of love, or whatever you call the feelings of a teenage romance. You remember those times not that long ago that you held her as she cried, and told her that she IS pretty and smart and funny, and that a boy WILL want her to be his girlfriend, and he will want to be her boyfriend. And you told her that she shouldn't base how she feels about herself on whether a boy is interested in her.  She doesn't need that validation.  But you knew she didn't believe you. You actually knew exactly how she felt because it seems like not that long ago that you felt that way too. It seemed that everyone around you had a boyfriend, but it just wasn't your time. And you wondered if it would ever be.

But now you see her sparkle and you notice her smiling and laughing a lot more, and you know that this is her time. And you are happy for her and you are scared. Scary, unpredictable, tumultuous, passionate teenage love.  You want to throw up all the warning signs (and vomit as well): Proceed with caution, go slow, danger ahead, beware of the bumpy road...And you talk to her about some of this, and you try to get something out of her, but you know that she will need to navigate this one on her own, and that she will most likely consult with her friends about it, rather than you. You can talk to her about being safe, making good choices, remind her of her (and your) values and staying true to herself. But you know that teenage love can cause teenagers to lose themselves in the throws of this wonderful newfound feeling of infatuation and lust. You know that you did, or at least you wanted to. You pray that she will use good judgment. How very different and scary it is to be mothering your teenage daughter through this frenzied, unpredictable time. Hold on tight and let go.

Making Mistakes

They all do. Make mistakes, that is. Kids, adolescents, teens make mistakes. They fall down, they hurt themselves, they cry, they get back up and try again. One of the hardest things I have encountered as I parent my four children, is knowing when to leave her/him on the ground for a while, and let her figure out how to pick herself up, or when to run to him right away and be the one to pick him up. When children are younger they obviously need help in getting up from their falls but as they get older, we need to start to resist the urge to come so quickly to their aid. My two older children are 17 and 14 and they have each made their fair share of mistakes. Yes, they have learned from them and yet I realize that they will continue to make them and hopefully continue to learn. But so often the real learning comes from letting your child endure the full consequences of their mistakes, which cannot happen if we quickly try to pick up the pieces for them or cushion their fall.

One of the most instinctive drives we have as a parent is to protect our children, so the letting them fall strategy can be all but excruciating. And it goes further than that.  It is what we do from there.  Do we try to clean things up for them, erase their mistakes, cover for them, save them from embarrassment or shame? As an outsider, the answer seems so clear. Of course you don't do that. How will they learn? But I am here to tell you, that as easy as it is to know what to do, the execution of this is not so easy. Why? Because tough love is hard. Because they will ask (beg) for your help. They will feel alone in dealing with the consequences of their mistakes and they will try to pull you in.  The boundaries between their hurt and your hurt become clouded. But we know in our heads that we are doing them a disservice by taking on their pain because if they know that mom is going to feel badly about what they do, they are less accountable for their actions, and therefore the real learning will not happen. They will not own their own mistakes.  So as they tug at our heartstrings, and our own desire to scoop them up and make it all better kicks in, remind yourself that by resisting the desire to take the fall for them, you are helping them develop their own internal compass, which they desperately need to make good decisions, guide them through their lives, and ultimately to keep them safe.